Monday, January 26, 2009

MY BATTLE WITH THE MONAVIE CULT!!!


OK....I finally found some inspiration for writing another blog, and it comes in the form of MONAVIE!!!!
Ok with the economy the way it is and people losing jobs, homes and lives, I understand people are looking for the quick way to beat this recession. Through the years, whenever there is an economic crisis looming people come up with these too good to be true plans where they try to bilk the money out of friends and family by selling SOMETHING..SOMETHING THAT PROMISES BIG RETURNS ON THEir FRIENDS AND FAMILIES INVESTMENT IN IT ALSO. These are called Multi-level marketing schemes, and through the years during every so called economic crisis they pop up....the first one I remember was back during the economic crisis in the 80's, herbalife was born, which was pretty much similar to this whole monavie phenomena we are going through now. It is actually selling the promise of a lifetime of no sickness, and wisdom and all kinds of other stuff even Jesus couldnt promise back in the day.
Then during the Bush administration back in 1992(George Sr.) and we were pretty much going through this same crisis of bailouts we are going through now...Amway appeared...now amway was much different in terms of what they were offering. At least you got water filters and more bang for the buck, but in reality it disappeared into the sunset like any other fad.
Now I am a person who is out there selling all the time, I sell for a living and alot of my clients know that, so I am the PERFECT victim to recruit to sell MONAVIE...I can roam this land preaching the gospel of the ACAI BERRY alienating all my friends, family and business associates. So everybody I have been coming across has been inviting me to these monavie seminars and tastings.
This all started for me back about 3 years ago while I was working down in Florida and an account of mine decided to try and recruit me to this better way of life. He told me about how great he feels and how he never felt better and how much money he makes. At the time he owed me alot of money and he was behind on his bills...if he was so successful selling this stuff why did he default on his bills with me? And I left it at that and never heard about Monavie out of Florida again. Now due to this facebook craze...all old friends and friends of friends have started this Monavie thing out of Staten Island, NY...where I grew up. It has become such a phenomena out there that 95 year old Mario from Ariemma's, an italian deli I grew up near has gone to selling it out of his store and everytime you walk in he is trying to recruit people for it. It is pretty scary how cult like this thing is getting. When the local Staten Island Advance did a front page write up on it, that was the last straw for me. They were raving how this is the biggest growing business in the country and how much money everybody is making on it. How cult like the meetings were where people HIGH FIVE and BUMP chests like a damn pep rally. It is downright scary what this down economy is doing to people with the false hope of MONAVIE!
I have recently taken to facebook and joined a monavie Fan club in hopes of uncovering how crazy this is getting and how cult like this is. There are approximately 5000 members of this fan club and it is growing by the day.
I have used my sick twisted sense of humor to post the following posts on the message board to elicit responses from the cult like members....
Here they are and responses if any I am getting...
Here is my very first post:
first post 1/25/09 5:22pm
I have to admit, I have been drinking Monavie for about a week and I sustain longer erections and shoot more powerful loads!!! Thanks MONAVIE!!!
ok i had gotten no reactions to that...but I think it was pretty damn funny. I incorporated some of my late night television experience, most notably the EXTENZE commercial into one of the functions of monavie. But I guess this first post did not strike a cord with ye olde monavie faithful....so I continued to try and ruffle feathers by making the following
second post 1/25/09 8:25pm
I have an amazing monavie story......my grandmother keeled over and died this afternoon.....SO I THOUGHT!!! Instead of reaching for the phone and dialing 911.....I poured some MONAVIE down her throat and she hopped right up!!!! Whewww.....that was a close one!!!! THANKS MONAVIE!!!!PS-I THEN SOLD HER 2000.00 WORTH OF IT AND SHE IS MY NEWEST DISTRIBUTOR!!! HOW YA LIKE THEM APPLES(OR BERRIES, LOL)
ok, also got no response(so I thought...see Mr. Sito later), but my point of this post was to post something unbelievable like some of the other posts I have caught on there, posts saying after drinking monavie the cancer disappeared and arthritis went away...so I figured this post was not too far fetched....so being I got no response to this, I decided to post the following:
third post 1/26/09 3pm
NEW MONAVIE UPDATE!!!! I have been progressively losing hair over the last 4 years....the horse shoe was formed around my head....last night before I went to bed I drank a glass of Monavie and I woke up this morning with the hair of an 80's ROCK GOD!!!! I am going to call the boys and get the band back together----you can book us for tasting parties!!!!THANKS MONAVIE!!!!!
Ok, I was sure this is the one...this was the post that was going to get me the response I was looking for....and it sure did...I received the following response to this post from cult member Mr. Brad Sito and this is what he said:
response to third post 1/26/09 9:04pm

Brad Sito wroteat 9:04pm
Who is Dave Buchansky, and why is he attacking Mona Vie????? My guess is, he's someone going nowhere, and jealous. Dave Buchansky, if you know of a better company out there, let everyone else know, instead of attacking this one.
alright!!! I had hit paydirt, got a response!!! So right away I fired this reponse back to Mr. Sito:
response to Brad Sito posted 1/26/09 9:47pm
Why are you attacking me? These are my monavie success stories!!! What makes these as unbelievable as the other ones on the site? I stand behind my stories as I am stating it right now....MONAVIE---MESSIAH IN A BOTTLE!!!
seems prettty straightforward....I mean why should my stories be any less believable then any other fairy tale I read on there. I really struck a chord with Mr. Sito because he responded not once but twice to my posting. Lets get right to his response:
Mr. Sito's response to my response to him 1/26/09 10:47pm
Brad Sito wroteat 10:47pm
You have no stories. Mr dave Buchansky.Good luck w/ you life.Mona Vie is fruit juice. Brad Sito
now if you look at this guys spelling and grammar on that post it was not correct...so at this point we can assume that Monavie does not stimulate brain function. But I really must have hit a note because 15 minutes later he types another post, he must be sitting home stewing at me because I am piercing the dignity of the cult, the cult he is a part of and this is what comes next from Mr. Sito:
Mr Sito's second response to my response to him 1/26/09 11:02pm
Brad Sito wroteat 11:02pm
Mr. Buchansky, You've lost your hair, and lost your mother-correct?But you and her drank a shot, and you got your hair back, and your mother. Is this true??????
Now look at this post, he has gone and questioned my stories...I had not publicly gone and questioned anybody else miraculous messianic like proclamations of monavie...so why should somebody go and do that to me....so I come back right at him with this:
My response to Mr. Brad Sito 1/27/09 12:01am
Mr. Sito...yes I had lost my hair and grandmother....and my hair grew back to rock god proportions and my grandmother is now one of my biggest distributors after her miraculous recovery after droppin on my kitchen floor...What makes this any less believable then any of the other stories I read on here?
So I had gone and stated my point to him as to why my stories are any different or less believable...and I have yet to receive a response to this. As soon as I do you will all know.
Now here is a sidenote on how monavie stops people from having to go for operations or get a required surgery...a family member of mine had been drinking monavie religiously for weeks and needed a surgery. She went to the doctor after drinking monavie for weeks and was told that she could not get the surgery done. All her blood levels were off and she was told to stop drinking Monavie immediately. I think I will leave it at that now and judge for yourself.
I hope you enjoyed my return into the Blog foray...
I look forward to more creative boosts in the future...
Happy New Years!
Dave

7 comments:

  1. My mom and her creepy ass greasy boyfriend are in Mona Vie and me and my sister keep on telling her that it is a cult. and she keeps being all dumb ass PMSing hoe, and not listening, not to mention this guy she is dating has a fucking restraining order against him, FROM HIS EX GIRLFRIEND, this Mona Vie has turned my mom into a psycho gypsi whore. stop Mona Vie NOW

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  2. Sorry, boys! It ain't happening! MonaVie is a juggernaut! Get over it and quit whining!

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  3. We may as well all buy a snuggie, and join that cult. I bet monavie's behind that one too... I couldn't beleive I saw someone wearing sweatpants with "MONAVIE" spelled down the leg. It was scary. I really wanted to make a smartalec comment, but I probably would have ended up on the end of a sales pitch, and I really didn't have the time.

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  5. I'm one of the first MonaVie distributors in the UK.

    My main point is that this blog post is really funny. We all need a sense of humour every so often.

    I've met Mario you mention. He's a lovey guy.

    Who knows whether we'll have this level of fanaticism in the UK.
    Mark N Hopgood

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